A letter to Edward, or, an epistolary review of New Moon

Spoilers, just so you know. Oh, and here’s a song to describe everyone’s angst for your reading pleasure.

Dear Edward,

I am quite impressed with how efficiently you destroyed Bella’s self-esteem for all of eternity. Taking the “you’re cramping my vampire lifestyle” approach was simply brilliant. Indeed, it shows how well you know her–how else could you have convinced her to let you go? What can I say, the manipulator in me loves the manipulator in you. With that said…

I also hate you. You just left your depressed and fragile girlfriend in the woods over something someone else did. Whatever happened to “I’m not the most dangerous thing out there”? SHE COULD BE EATEN, EDWARD. BY MOUNTAIN LIONS. Or….BY WOLVES (heh heh).

Seriously, you need to come back. She’s barely eating and even Charlie’s noticing something’s off. I repeat–Charlie is paying attention to his daughter’s emotional health. Now she’s realized that she can hear your voice when she’s in danger, so she’s going looking for the guys who almost raped her in Book 1. Just as I was impressed by your manipulation, I’m impressed by her insanity. Wow, Bella. Wow. Anyway, can you fix this, Eddie? PLEASE?

If Bella was a spike and leather  covered evil overlord (I would this fic. Just saying.)
If Bella was a spike and leather covered evil overlord (I would read this fic. Just saying.)

Update. Never mind, we don’t need you anymore. Bella has obtained some motorcycles and is going to live dangerously as her last act of revenge against you. She will use her college fund and her hot neighbor (Hi, Jacob!) to do this. Because I left my brain at the door when I started this book, I fully approve of this plan. That’s right, Bella! You show that overprotective vampire! (Just don’t get killed in the process…) Now that I have some perspective on life (and 200 pages of New Moon), I realize that I had it all wrong. Jacob is a nice boy who shows that he wants the best for Bella in small, sane ways. He also doesn’t try to control what she does when he doesn’t agree with it. Team Jacob 4 lyfe.

Actually, I think we do need you (drat). Jacob is becoming more of a jerk than you, and THAT, you evil little vampire, is saying something. I’m sure he’s a hurt little puppy who just needs wuv deep down, but his wolfy powers seem to be rage-based and I’m not sure why he’s taking that out on Bella. Oh, and Bella’s almost gotten eaten by Laurent before a bunch of giant wolves have saved her. But I’m sure that won’t matter to you, since you’re probably busy wearing fabulous suits in New York and trading all manner of stock and making dramatic U-turns and taking angsty showers…Oh, wait, that’s how K-drama heroes deal with break-ups. Never mind. But I bet that’s totally what you’re doing.

Wow, Jacob spends a lot of time shirtless. I mean, I understand that he’s proud of his body and wants to show it off, and I am all about body-positivity, but this is getting ridiculous. FYI, Bella is jumping off cliffs to hear your voice, but never fear, the werewolf hottie has saved her. OMG, Alice’s appeared because she too has heard about Bella’s cliff-diving tendencies. But she thought Bella committed suicide! And she told Rosalie! Who called you!

Hikaru

Oh, no! Jacob was a total phone-hog, so you couldn’t get a hold of Bella to confirm! And now you’ve thrown your phone away! (It was probably a Samsung Galaxy. I hope you remembered to take the batteries out.)

And now you’ve gone to Italy to get yourself killed by Vampire mafia. You’re such a teenager, Edward. Better be glad your girlfriend rescued you. What, you still think you’re dead? You think you’re in hell because your hot girlfriend smells nice? I know her scent gives you a sore throat, but I’m not sure what the big deal is if hell is just a common cold.

Oh. You weren’t in New York? You were in a Brazilian attic living off rats? Well, I don’t care. No amount of emo brooding is going to make this up to me. (Except it totally will…)

So, Bella wants you to bite her, does she? And she put it to vote. And you got so mad about being overruled that you ripped Emmett’s TV in half. Implied violence, Eddie, implied violence. Wait, Bella has to marry you for her to bite her? Those are two completely unrelated things, Eddie. Unless you know Bella doesn’t want to marry you, so that will give you more time to think of some way to thwart her, and if she does marry you, you’ll get what you always wanted…Anyway. Glad to have you back.

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