Kitty and Nom Noms: The Love Story, or, a review of Eclipse (MAJOR SPOILERS AND RAMBLING)

Oh, do we have a pickle. Wolfie, the dark horse of New Moon, wants to eat Kitty. Kitty wants to eat Nom Noms, but she’s too cute to eat. In other words, the drama continues.

The plot…the plot…Everyone knows the plot. Victoria assembles a newborn army, Edward tries the “buy the cow and get the milk” approach to get Bella to marry him, Jacob pouts a lot and becomes very creepy, Edward is also creepy, but in a less rapey way, and Bella puts up with way too much manipulation (courtesy of Edward) and douchiness (courtesy of Jacob).

Now, onto the good stuff. I remember reading somewhere that Twilight subverts the premise of Dracula, in that, instead of the vampire seducing the innocent maiden, the maiden seduces the innocent vampire. The idea does not belong to me, but the wording is all mine. I may be alone in this view, but I find the gender reversal incredibly refreshing. It’s nice to have a heroine in control of her sexuality. Just ignore Edward’s yammering about protecting her virtue, we all know he’s lying to save face about protecting his. I submit unto you…

I shook my head, and laughed glumly. “You make me feel like a villain in a melodrama–twirling my mustache while I try to steal some poor girl’s virtue.”

His eyes were wary as they flashed across my face, then he quickly ducked down to press his lips against my collarbone.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” The short laugh that escaped me was more shocked than amused. “You’re trying to protect your virtue!”

The PROOF. Everything he says afterward is utter lies. This book has the sluttiest virgin I’ve ever encountered, seriously.

And if you think I’m talking about Bella, you need to dig the internalized misogyny out of your brain. No, I am not talking about Bella. I am actually referring to Edward, who finally lets his inner femme fatale run free. Yes, I’m aware that the male version is homme fatale, but no one uses that and it doesn’t have the same ring to it. Oh, and as to why I think he’s a slutty virgin, he’s trying to seduce/manipulate Bella into marrying him, which requires getting his vamp on. Pun totally intended; I’m in a silly mood today.

I’ve always found it interesting that many assume Bella is the one at fault, that she can’t decide between two boys, that she’s leading Jacob on, etc. Bella has always seemed fairly clear on what she wants. She told Jacob explicitly that she was never getting over Edward, so she probably couldn’t give him what he wanted. It’s not as if she could have foreseen that Edward would try to sparkle to death and she’d have to fly to Italy to stop him. NO ONE could have foreseen that. BECAUSE IT’S INSANE. Now that Edward’s back in the picture, Jacob is not happy, which is understandable, since he hasn’t learned yet that adorable, broken girls always go back to their equally broken boyfriends.

As for Bella, she wants a boyfriend AND a friend. Is that so unreasonable these days? Bella’s not forcing Jacob to be her friend; if anything, Jacob is the one who keeps dragging the specter of romantic love into their relationship. I just don’t see how she’s leading him on when she never hints of anything non-platonic in Eclipse. So, no, Bella is not the “slut” here.

Bella's not the one who walks around shirtless in rain, snow, and sun. Just saying.
Bella’s also not the one who walks around shirtless in rain, snow, and sun. Just saying. Source.
Anything else? Oh, Jacob. Yes, Jacob. Jacob.

What went wrong with Jacob? He was a teddy bear in the first 2/3 of New Moon, and then…Where did my cutie go? I’ve been trying to figure him out since forever, and I finally decided that he was banking on Edward wandering eternally. With Edward gone, he could have Bella all to himself. Of course she would get over her vampire boyfriend–it might take some time, but Jacob would be there for her all the way. In other words, Jacob was entertaining a giant nice guy fantasy that Edward brutally shattered by being, well, Edward.

Once a vampire tramples on your dreams, what do you do? Well, being nice didn’t work, did it? So, you beat the vampire at his own game. You become worse. She doesn’t want you? Nah, of course she does. You’ll prove it to her.

facepalm, ultimate edition

That is quite enough of being in Wolfie’s head, but it’s the only way I can explain the forced kissing and the total dismissal of Bella’s feelings afterward. She literally calls it assault, to which Jacob replies that that’s “cold.” What’s cold is assaulting a 110 pound girl, but these types of boys never seem to get their words thrown back at them.

They never seem to get the shotgun treatment by angry fathers, either.

Charlie congratulates him on kissing Bella. Congratulates him. Never mind Bella applying ice to her hand (fresh from punching a werewolf) in the kitchen next door. Freaking father of the year material right here.

In his own way, Charlie tries to take care of Bella during New Moon. But it becomes so easy to let Jacob make Bella happy. Why raise your daughter when boys are on hand 24/7 to take care of all her icky emotional problems? In Eclipse, Charlie continues this pattern and adds a few beers and football games to spice it up. Instead of sitting down with his daughter and asking what she wants, what her plans are, and maybe steering her away from boys altogether, he believes that Bella owes Jacob romantically and sexually for the friendship he’s given her. It helps that Jacob watches sports with him and is in line to replace Edward, whom Charlie despises.

Yes, Charlie, I understand. Edward can be a bit off-putting, but would it hurt to make a fuss about your daughter being manhandled BEFORE her psycho vampire bf gets there? Oh, by all means, go slink in the shadows while Jacob and Edward hash it out, but don’t be surprised if Bella kisses her friends and family goodbye.

In Jacob’s case, literally.

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