Category: Silly

An apology (that no one asked for)

An apology (that no one asked for)

I can’t do it. I have the book sitting there under the what’s next box, but I just can’t do…it.

I am of course, talking about Dust Girl. It was a wonderful book. I read it in two days. But I can’t write more than two paragraphs about it, and incomplete ones at that. Some books are meant to be savored and kept to oneself, I suppose.

It doesn’t matter anyway, seeing that the people looking forward to the review were all of zero, but I’m irrationally annoyed that I put a book under the what’s next box AND NOW HAVE TO TAKE IT OFF IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. I FEEL INCOMPLETE.

This is not helping my stress levels.

all villains need is eyeliner

And don’t call me a drama queen.

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Edward Cullen’s To-Do List

edward is pretty

1. Pretend to pay attention during History.

2. Sneak off to listen to Linkin Park because History is boring.

3. Laugh at Bella falling down.

4. Munch on the local wildlife.

5. Fantasize about munching on Bella.

6. Fantasize about not wanting to munch on Bella.

7. Buy more cars.

8. Buy Bella more stuff.

9. Debate with self whether to stalk Bella.

10. End up stalking Bella anyway.

11. Fantasize about not wanting to stalk Bella.

12. Rinse and repeat.

Top six fictional characters who would be arrested in real life

Edward-Cullen-is-stalking-you-critical-analysis-of-twilight-11041144-326-180 (1)

Sometimes, characters get away with crimes and misdemeanors that would have us dialing 911 in 10 seconds, tops. In book-land, however, lovable criminals are quite common. Here they are, in all their unrepentant glory.

Continue reading “Top six fictional characters who would be arrested in real life”

Fictional characters who should not have kids, ever

Children are a wonderful thing. To many people, they are the world’s most lovable curse, raining down affection and furniture destruction in equal measure. However, just like there is a time and place for everything, sometimes children pop up at the most inconvenient times. And no, I’m not talking about unplanned pregnancies. I’m talking about stupid endings. Many authors appear to have the erroneous belief that their characters need seven babies to unlock the full happy ending. Why? I don’t know, but here follows a list in no particular order of characters who really need to stay baby-free (and sometimes they do!). SPOILERS. Continue reading “Fictional characters who should not have kids, ever”

Creepy Boyfriend Contest: Edward Cullen vs Edward Rochester

Well, I have finished Jane Eyre. For those of you who don’t know, Stephenie Meyer has counted Jane Eyre as a major influence in her work, so of course I read it. It was sitting around the house, so I thought, why not?

My relationship to Jane Eyre is nearly as ambivalent as my attitude to Twilight. Like Twilight, I read it when I was younger. Unlike Twilight, I still think the hero is a douche. I think I bailed right around the time Edward R. tried to trick Jane into a fake marriage (I had very little patience for Byronic antiheroes back then. I think I was like nine). So, Edward R. is douchier. I don’t think that can be disputed; he whines more in 500 pages than his vampire counterpart does in 2,500. Edward C. is just self-hating, but I don’t recall him blaming anyone else for his problems.

But the real question: Who is creepier? Hopefully, I can answer this in less than a nineteenth century tome, but I make no promises. Continue reading “Creepy Boyfriend Contest: Edward Cullen vs Edward Rochester”

Top ten things Edward could have done instead of stalking Bella at night

1. Listen to every single Coldplay album in existence.

2. Read the Brontes. Angst deeply.

3. SURF THE INTERNET, YOU MORON. IT’S WHAT THE REST OF US INSOMNIACS DO.

4. Write a novel. (This is also what we insomniacs do.)

5. Catch Pride and Prejudice 1995. All 6 hours of it. This should keep you occupied until dawn, after which the urge to watch Bella sleep will pass.

6. Surf Youtube’s endless videos on classical music. Rage at the pretentious comments. Write pretentious comments.

7. Stalk Mike Newton instead! Torture yourself with his unchivalrous fantasies!

8. Amazon has quite the clothing selection. Buy something non-beige.

9. Amazon also has this. You should probably read it.

10. How about more insider trading? You can never be too rich.

 

I know, I know, someone has to make sure Bella doesn’t fall off the bed and get a concussion. It’s a pretty thankless job, but what else are vampire guardian angels for?