Tag: Edward Cullen

Reviews, now in vintage, or, a review of the Vampyre

Reviews, now in vintage, or, a review of the Vampyre

the vampyre

The place where vampires all began, and it’s even really short! Some people moan that Twilight ruined vampires, that vampires used to be scary and now they’re too sexy to be scary, that the vampire genre is dead (but why is dead a bad thing?), etc. I’m here to tell you that they are all WRONG. Nothing has changed in the last 200 years. Sociopathic undead hotties have always preyed on susceptible teenage girls with a bit more charm than is good for anyone. And, yes, they have always been sexy.

image
And diabolical.

It’s true that our Lord Ruthven isn’t quite so conflicted as today’s Stephan Salvatores and Edward Cullens, but then, you don’t have to go way past 1819 to get your antiheroic vampy fix–Varney the Vampire was published in 1847, and is, I am informed, full of enough bloodsucking angst to make Bella Swan swoon (reading it right now, actually!).

With that said, the vampires of yore do represent something that would have held a bit more gravity to audiences back then. I don’t mean to be elitist–I firmly believe that ANY piece of art can tell you a great deal about a current culture’s hopes and fears, and Twilight and Vampire Diaries are no different–but we simply don’t have the same understanding of society now that people in, say, Regency England would have had. Nowadays, a person can watch Twilight and maybe see a metaphor for a certain type of real life person (what kind of metaphor heavily hinges, I suspect, on how much that person likes Twilight), but Lord Ruthven pretty obviously symbolizes a society-wide problem of vice.

He consumes supple young maidens to stay alive, sure (the hero’s fair sister among them), but he also seems to ruin lives just for the hell of it, entices people in gambling, and only gives charity to the undeserving. And everyone who accepts his help seems to end up cursed in some way. In other words, he’s the sort of idle, rich parasite preachers would have warned against on the pulpit. So Lord Ruthven represents sex, yes (why else the addiction to teenage girls?), but only in part. Lord Ruthven is the personification of sin, and he collects victims in a never-ending cycle. Today, we would know someone like this as a sociopath, but back then audiences would have believed him to be simply Very Bad, in an almost unknowable way.

But I still think the hero’s sister faked her death and ran off with the vampire. It’s been known to happen, you know.

Edward Cullen’s To-Do List

edward is pretty

1. Pretend to pay attention during History.

2. Sneak off to listen to Linkin Park because History is boring.

3. Laugh at Bella falling down.

4. Munch on the local wildlife.

5. Fantasize about munching on Bella.

6. Fantasize about not wanting to munch on Bella.

7. Buy more cars.

8. Buy Bella more stuff.

9. Debate with self whether to stalk Bella.

10. End up stalking Bella anyway.

11. Fantasize about not wanting to stalk Bella.

12. Rinse and repeat.

Top six fictional characters who would be arrested in real life

Edward-Cullen-is-stalking-you-critical-analysis-of-twilight-11041144-326-180 (1)

Sometimes, characters get away with crimes and misdemeanors that would have us dialing 911 in 10 seconds, tops. In book-land, however, lovable criminals are quite common. Here they are, in all their unrepentant glory.

Continue reading “Top six fictional characters who would be arrested in real life”

Kitty and Nom Noms: The Love Story, or, a review of Eclipse (MAJOR SPOILERS AND RAMBLING)

Oh, do we have a pickle. Wolfie, the dark horse of New Moon, wants to eat Kitty. Kitty wants to eat Nom Noms, but she’s too cute to eat. In other words, the drama continues.

The plot…the plot…Everyone knows the plot. Victoria assembles a newborn army, Edward tries the “buy the cow and get the milk” approach to get Bella to marry him, Jacob pouts a lot and becomes very creepy, Edward is also creepy, but in a less rapey way, and Bella puts up with way too much manipulation (courtesy of Edward) and douchiness (courtesy of Jacob). Continue reading “Kitty and Nom Noms: The Love Story, or, a review of Eclipse (MAJOR SPOILERS AND RAMBLING)”

Stalking: It’s only okay when he’s hot

They're always watching.
They’re always watching.

In real life, when I hear about a guy following a girl home, I get scared. I hope she calls the cops. I hope they stop him.

In fiction, I’m more likely to get attacked by the warm and fuzzies. YA HAS BRAINWASHED ME, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I SWEAR. I’m just a victim of this misogynist culture. Okay, fine, it kind of is my fault, since I decided to fill my brain with a steady diet of the stuff. Ya know, no one forced me to do that. Continue reading “Stalking: It’s only okay when he’s hot”

A letter to Edward, or, an epistolary review of New Moon

Spoilers, just so you know. Oh, and here’s a song to describe everyone’s angst for your reading pleasure.

Dear Edward,

I am quite impressed with how efficiently you destroyed Bella’s self-esteem for all of eternity. Taking the “you’re cramping my vampire lifestyle” approach was simply brilliant. Indeed, it shows how well you know her–how else could you have convinced her to let you go? What can I say, the manipulator in me loves the manipulator in you. With that said…

I also hate you. You just left your depressed and fragile girlfriend in the woods over something someone else did. Whatever happened to “I’m not the most dangerous thing out there”? SHE COULD BE EATEN, EDWARD. BY MOUNTAIN LIONS. Or….BY WOLVES (heh heh). Continue reading “A letter to Edward, or, an epistolary review of New Moon”

Creepy Boyfriend Contest: Edward Cullen vs Edward Rochester

Well, I have finished Jane Eyre. For those of you who don’t know, Stephenie Meyer has counted Jane Eyre as a major influence in her work, so of course I read it. It was sitting around the house, so I thought, why not?

My relationship to Jane Eyre is nearly as ambivalent as my attitude to Twilight. Like Twilight, I read it when I was younger. Unlike Twilight, I still think the hero is a douche. I think I bailed right around the time Edward R. tried to trick Jane into a fake marriage (I had very little patience for Byronic antiheroes back then. I think I was like nine). So, Edward R. is douchier. I don’t think that can be disputed; he whines more in 500 pages than his vampire counterpart does in 2,500. Edward C. is just self-hating, but I don’t recall him blaming anyone else for his problems.

But the real question: Who is creepier? Hopefully, I can answer this in less than a nineteenth century tome, but I make no promises. Continue reading “Creepy Boyfriend Contest: Edward Cullen vs Edward Rochester”

One messed up love triangle, or, Twilight as Genesis

I’ve been doing some reading on Twilight–seeing what the blogosphere has to say, furthering my obsession, etc. Anyway, I stumbled upon John Granger’s Mormon Vampires in the Garden of Eden. While I disagree with most of it (somehow, I doubt that Stephenie Meyer is subconsciously using Twilight to defend LDS doctrines), the passages about Twilight’s connection to Genesis jumped out at me. Obviously, Twilight has some very strong Genesis parallels (the quote at the beginning of the book, the COVER), but I hardly ever see anyone talk about it. Granger asserts that Edward is Adam and Bella is Eve, but that symbolism just didn’t agree with me, and I figured out why a few days later.

In one area, I can see the draw. Bella frequently describes Edward as an angel; in LDS theology, Adam apparently doubles as the Archangel Michael. But then comes the problem–Edward is already fallen. Bella isn’t the one tempting him to stray (technically, she’s trying to seduce him, but in light of Edward’s vampirism, I hardly think sex is the biggest issue here). If Edward has already fallen, then how can Bella tempt him? Edward is the serpent–after all, he is the one who places the apple on her lunch tray. Continue reading “One messed up love triangle, or, Twilight as Genesis”

Addicted to heroine, or, adventures in Twilight metaphors

In the beginning of Twilight, Edward is suffering from severe depression, but he doesn’t know it. He has reached the point at which everything has gone numb, music is an anesthetic, and unhappiness is the new normal. He has reached the human age of dying, and he would almost welcome death. But he can’t.

Edward is lonely. And still doesn’t know it. Enter Bella Swan, the girl with delicious blood and the chocolate eyes. In many ways, Bella becomes his new addiction, replacing blood, the one he can’t have. People may complain that Bella is unhealthily codependent on Edward, but it is worth noting that Bella interacts with other people besides Edward in Twilight and thinks about other things besides him. Midnight Sun is 100% Bella 100% of the time. Continue reading “Addicted to heroine, or, adventures in Twilight metaphors”

He may be an ex-serial killer, but he’s still kinda cute, or, musings on Edward Cullen (and Bella, by default)

Edward Cullen. Where do I begin? He’s like one of those seemingly nice sociopaths on a crime show: the rich, perfect young gentleman who has a few girlfriends in the basement. Edward may not have any dead girlfriends (though Bella almost becomes one), but he certainly has had someone in his basement. I mean, really:

“Oh, we have weapons.” He flashed his bright teeth in a brief, threatening smile. I fought back a shiver before it could expose me.

He can never turn it off, can he? He is a predator at heart, but Bella hides her reaction to some of his darker patterns of thought to spare his feelings. And to keep him from running away from her in a fit of self-loathing. Edward is the most interesting thing that’s happened to her all year; of course she’s not going to let him get away. Continue reading “He may be an ex-serial killer, but he’s still kinda cute, or, musings on Edward Cullen (and Bella, by default)”