1. Pretend to pay attention during History.
2. Sneak off to listen to Linkin Park because History is boring.
3. Laugh at Bella falling down.
4. Munch on the local wildlife.
5. Fantasize about munching on Bella.
6. Fantasize about not wanting to munch on Bella.
7. Buy more cars.
8. Buy Bella more stuff.
9. Debate with self whether to stalk Bella.
10. End up stalking Bella anyway.
11. Fantasize about not wanting to stalk Bella.
12. Rinse and repeat.
Children are a wonderful thing. To many people, they are the world’s most lovable curse, raining down affection and furniture destruction in equal measure. However, just like there is a time and place for everything, sometimes children pop up at the most inconvenient times. And no, I’m not talking about unplanned pregnancies. I’m talking about stupid endings. Many authors appear to have the erroneous belief that their characters need seven babies to unlock the full happy ending. Why? I don’t know, but here follows a list in no particular order of characters who really need to stay baby-free (and sometimes they do!). SPOILERS. Continue reading “Fictional characters who should not have kids, ever”
1. Listen to every single Coldplay album in existence.
2. Read the Brontes. Angst deeply.
3. SURF THE INTERNET, YOU MORON. IT’S WHAT THE REST OF US INSOMNIACS DO.
4. Write a novel. (This is also what we insomniacs do.)
5. Catch Pride and Prejudice 1995. All 6 hours of it. This should keep you occupied until dawn, after which the urge to watch Bella sleep will pass.
6. Surf Youtube’s endless videos on classical music. Rage at the pretentious comments. Write pretentious comments.
7. Stalk Mike Newton instead! Torture yourself with his unchivalrous fantasies!
8. Amazon has quite the clothing selection. Buy something non-beige.
9. Amazon also has this. You should probably read it.
10. How about more insider trading? You can never be too rich.
I know, I know, someone has to make sure Bella doesn’t fall off the bed and get a concussion. It’s a pretty thankless job, but what else are vampire guardian angels for?