Tag: Twilight Saga

Edward Cullen’s To-Do List

edward is pretty

1. Pretend to pay attention during History.

2. Sneak off to listen to Linkin Park because History is boring.

3. Laugh at Bella falling down.

4. Munch on the local wildlife.

5. Fantasize about munching on Bella.

6. Fantasize about not wanting to munch on Bella.

7. Buy more cars.

8. Buy Bella more stuff.

9. Debate with self whether to stalk Bella.

10. End up stalking Bella anyway.

11. Fantasize about not wanting to stalk Bella.

12. Rinse and repeat.

Advertisements

Top six fictional characters who would be arrested in real life

Edward-Cullen-is-stalking-you-critical-analysis-of-twilight-11041144-326-180 (1)

Sometimes, characters get away with crimes and misdemeanors that would have us dialing 911 in 10 seconds, tops. In book-land, however, lovable criminals are quite common. Here they are, in all their unrepentant glory.

Continue reading “Top six fictional characters who would be arrested in real life”

Kitty and Nom Noms: The Love Story, or, a review of Eclipse (MAJOR SPOILERS AND RAMBLING)

Oh, do we have a pickle. Wolfie, the dark horse of New Moon, wants to eat Kitty. Kitty wants to eat Nom Noms, but she’s too cute to eat. In other words, the drama continues.

The plot…the plot…Everyone knows the plot. Victoria assembles a newborn army, Edward tries the “buy the cow and get the milk” approach to get Bella to marry him, Jacob pouts a lot and becomes very creepy, Edward is also creepy, but in a less rapey way, and Bella puts up with way too much manipulation (courtesy of Edward) and douchiness (courtesy of Jacob). Continue reading “Kitty and Nom Noms: The Love Story, or, a review of Eclipse (MAJOR SPOILERS AND RAMBLING)”

Stalking: It’s only okay when he’s hot

They're always watching.
They’re always watching.

In real life, when I hear about a guy following a girl home, I get scared. I hope she calls the cops. I hope they stop him.

In fiction, I’m more likely to get attacked by the warm and fuzzies. YA HAS BRAINWASHED ME, IT’S NOT MY FAULT I SWEAR. I’m just a victim of this misogynist culture. Okay, fine, it kind of is my fault, since I decided to fill my brain with a steady diet of the stuff. Ya know, no one forced me to do that. Continue reading “Stalking: It’s only okay when he’s hot”

Fictional characters who should not have kids, ever

Children are a wonderful thing. To many people, they are the world’s most lovable curse, raining down affection and furniture destruction in equal measure. However, just like there is a time and place for everything, sometimes children pop up at the most inconvenient times. And no, I’m not talking about unplanned pregnancies. I’m talking about stupid endings. Many authors appear to have the erroneous belief that their characters need seven babies to unlock the full happy ending. Why? I don’t know, but here follows a list in no particular order of characters who really need to stay baby-free (and sometimes they do!). SPOILERS. Continue reading “Fictional characters who should not have kids, ever”

A letter to Edward, or, an epistolary review of New Moon

Spoilers, just so you know. Oh, and here’s a song to describe everyone’s angst for your reading pleasure.

Dear Edward,

I am quite impressed with how efficiently you destroyed Bella’s self-esteem for all of eternity. Taking the “you’re cramping my vampire lifestyle” approach was simply brilliant. Indeed, it shows how well you know her–how else could you have convinced her to let you go? What can I say, the manipulator in me loves the manipulator in you. With that said…

I also hate you. You just left your depressed and fragile girlfriend in the woods over something someone else did. Whatever happened to “I’m not the most dangerous thing out there”? SHE COULD BE EATEN, EDWARD. BY MOUNTAIN LIONS. Or….BY WOLVES (heh heh). Continue reading “A letter to Edward, or, an epistolary review of New Moon”

Creepy Boyfriend Contest: Edward Cullen vs Edward Rochester

Well, I have finished Jane Eyre. For those of you who don’t know, Stephenie Meyer has counted Jane Eyre as a major influence in her work, so of course I read it. It was sitting around the house, so I thought, why not?

My relationship to Jane Eyre is nearly as ambivalent as my attitude to Twilight. Like Twilight, I read it when I was younger. Unlike Twilight, I still think the hero is a douche. I think I bailed right around the time Edward R. tried to trick Jane into a fake marriage (I had very little patience for Byronic antiheroes back then. I think I was like nine). So, Edward R. is douchier. I don’t think that can be disputed; he whines more in 500 pages than his vampire counterpart does in 2,500. Edward C. is just self-hating, but I don’t recall him blaming anyone else for his problems.

But the real question: Who is creepier? Hopefully, I can answer this in less than a nineteenth century tome, but I make no promises. Continue reading “Creepy Boyfriend Contest: Edward Cullen vs Edward Rochester”

Okay, who else is sick of my Twilight obsession?

Unfortunately for my family, friends, and the internet, I’m not. But! I will be writing a review of Obsidian because it was free and I need to get back to actual purpose of the blog, which is writing book reviews. And then after that I’ll fill this blog with more Twilight because I really can’t help myself, apparently.

One messed up love triangle, or, Twilight as Genesis

I’ve been doing some reading on Twilight–seeing what the blogosphere has to say, furthering my obsession, etc. Anyway, I stumbled upon John Granger’s Mormon Vampires in the Garden of Eden. While I disagree with most of it (somehow, I doubt that Stephenie Meyer is subconsciously using Twilight to defend LDS doctrines), the passages about Twilight’s connection to Genesis jumped out at me. Obviously, Twilight has some very strong Genesis parallels (the quote at the beginning of the book, the COVER), but I hardly ever see anyone talk about it. Granger asserts that Edward is Adam and Bella is Eve, but that symbolism just didn’t agree with me, and I figured out why a few days later.

In one area, I can see the draw. Bella frequently describes Edward as an angel; in LDS theology, Adam apparently doubles as the Archangel Michael. But then comes the problem–Edward is already fallen. Bella isn’t the one tempting him to stray (technically, she’s trying to seduce him, but in light of Edward’s vampirism, I hardly think sex is the biggest issue here). If Edward has already fallen, then how can Bella tempt him? Edward is the serpent–after all, he is the one who places the apple on her lunch tray. Continue reading “One messed up love triangle, or, Twilight as Genesis”

Addicted to heroine, or, adventures in Twilight metaphors

In the beginning of Twilight, Edward is suffering from severe depression, but he doesn’t know it. He has reached the point at which everything has gone numb, music is an anesthetic, and unhappiness is the new normal. He has reached the human age of dying, and he would almost welcome death. But he can’t.

Edward is lonely. And still doesn’t know it. Enter Bella Swan, the girl with delicious blood and the chocolate eyes. In many ways, Bella becomes his new addiction, replacing blood, the one he can’t have. People may complain that Bella is unhealthily codependent on Edward, but it is worth noting that Bella interacts with other people besides Edward in Twilight and thinks about other things besides him. Midnight Sun is 100% Bella 100% of the time. Continue reading “Addicted to heroine, or, adventures in Twilight metaphors”