Fictional characters who should not have kids, ever

Children are a wonderful thing. To many people, they are the world’s most lovable curse, raining down affection and furniture destruction in equal measure. However, just like there is a time and place for everything, sometimes children pop up at the most inconvenient times. And no, I’m not talking about unplanned pregnancies. I’m talking about stupid endings. Many authors appear to have the erroneous belief that their characters need seven babies to unlock the full happy ending. Why? I don’t know, but here follows a list in no particular order of characters who really need to stay baby-free (and sometimes they do!). SPOILERS.

Creepy Boyfriend Contest: Edward Cullen vs Edward Rochester

Well, I have finished Jane Eyre. For those of you who don’t know, Stephenie Meyer has counted Jane Eyre as a major influence in her work, so of course I read it. It was sitting around the house, so I thought, why not?

My relationship to Jane Eyre is nearly as ambivalent as my attitude to Twilight. Like Twilight, I read it when I was younger. Unlike Twilight, I still think the hero is a douche. I think I bailed right around the time Edward R. tried to trick Jane into a fake marriage (I had very little patience for Byronic antiheroes back then. I think I was like nine). So, Edward R. is douchier. I don’t think that can be disputed; he whines more in 500 pages than his vampire counterpart does in 2,500. Edward C. is just self-hating, but I don’t recall him blaming anyone else for his problems.

But the real question: Who is creepier? Hopefully, I can answer this in less than a nineteenth century tome, but I make no promises.