Fictional characters who should not have kids, ever

Children are a wonderful thing. To many people, they are the world’s most lovable curse, raining down affection and furniture destruction in equal measure. However, just like there is a time and place for everything, sometimes children pop up at the most inconvenient times. And no, I’m not talking about unplanned pregnancies. I’m talking about stupid endings. Many authors appear to have the erroneous belief that their characters need seven babies to unlock the full happy ending. Why? I don’t know, but here follows a list in no particular order of characters who really need to stay baby-free (and sometimes they do!). SPOILERS.

1. Maru and Eun Gi from Nice Guy (yes, this title is ironic)

He’s a sociopathic male escort. She’s a sociopathic heiress.

Sure, they may look cute and innocent right now, but wait until he uses her to get revenge on her stepmother and she swerves into his lane and…K-drama stuff happens. These people are not ready for parenthood. At all.

Also, considering the personalities of this couple, any potential kids would be sociopathic monsters. Cute sociopathic monsters. Just like their parents. I used the word sociopathic a lot in this entry. There is a reason why. Next!

2. Edward and Bella from Twilight

You knew they’d be on here, didn’t you? These two are possibly the most glamorous, pretentious, fabulous, decadent, self-absorbed, codependent couple in YA history. If there is a couple who is worse, I want to know ASAP because I like trainwrecks. Are they ready for children? HELL NO. They can’t even handle a normal teen breakup without picking up dangerous hobbies, alienating their parents, attempting suicide in the most attention-getting way possible, and the list goes on. The ONLY reason Edward and Bella are able to handle a kid is Edward’s family of vampires who have nothing better to do than babysit and coo over their (admittedly dazzling) wonder child.

Bella and Edward are too young and FABULOUS to have a kid. Obviously, they should travel the world and defeat the Volturi instead. No, I am not bitter over Breaking Dawn, why do you ask?

3. Soo Hyun/Kay and Ji Woo/Ari from Time Between Dog and Wolf

Ari is actually okay. Sure, she may be a little obsessed with her supposedly dead boyfriend, she may be a little mopey, but she pulls through with fashion, artwork, and the love of her father. She is amazing. She is wonderful. I love her.

Let’s talk about Soo Hyun. Soo Hyun is so damaged that not even the love of a good woman can fix him, which, in K-drama terms, is very, very, very damaged. If you invite him to your house, you’d better childproof it first, because you never know when/if he’ll find a gun and start shooting randomly and/or trying to kill himself.

Soo Hyun, proving that he is five. I have seen my little sister do this countless times.

Other than that, he’s a sweetheart. He just really likes beating people up/getting beaten up. Fortunately, a nice, middle-aged man named Mao Liwarat takes him in and provides the fatherly mentoring and emotional support Soo Hyun so desperately needs. Unfortunately, Mao also deals drugs. Oh, well!

And no. They shouldn’t have kids.

[No pictures available. Sad.]

4. Warner and Juliette from Shatter Me

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

No.

5. Jane and Rochester from Jane Eyre

Any interaction with Rochester inevitably results in a mindscrew, which isn’t the healthiest environment for a growing child. Also locked wife in attic. I can only imagine what he’ll do when faced with his little ones’ temper tantrums.

Jane will probably make a good parent, but then look who she married…

And that concludes our list! Children can and do work very well in a story, but they have to be something a character always wanted. For instance, Harry Potter always wanted to belong to a family, so he forms his own. That was satisfying. That made sense. Bella, however, had very little sense of family, and I felt like the narrative plowed over her previous personality so that the requisite happy ending could occur.

The lesson I’ve learned? Everyone has a different happy ending, and books should reflect that.